Dear Visitor, Some days we can prepare for like Valentine's Day. We know it may be a trigger. We also expect anniversaries and birthdays to stir up emotions.
But often grief doesn't follow a calendar. Most of the time, it catches us off guard.
A reading in church. A song playing in a shop. Seeing couples holding hands. Cycling down a road you used to take when visiting a loved one in a care home.
Suddenly your throat tightens, your eyes fill, and you think, "Not here… please not in public."
For many people, that's the hardest part — not the feeling itself, but the fear of crying in public. Of showing our vulnerability. |
| Grief isn't a weakness. It's a deeply human experience.
I don't believe the solution is to start avoiding reminders of our love or loss. It would just make our world smaller, even if it feels safer in the moment.
What helps far more is learning how to support yourself when emotions come up, when they threaten to overwhelm you while you're out and about, so you feel steadier wherever you are.
Not avoiding life — but feeling better equipped for it.
Over the years, I've found two practices that make a real difference, especially before emotionally charged days like Valentine's Day.
| | | First: Empty your "grief bucket" before you go out If you've been holding everything together all week, it doesn't take much to overflow. The smallest trigger can feel overwhelming simply because there's no space left.
But if you sit quietly beforehand and allow whatever is there — tears, memories, anger, longing — you create space for what's ready to release.
You're not trying to fix anything. You're simply letting some of the pressure out.
Think of it as emotional housekeeping. It's about tending your grief so you're not carrying a full bucket into an already difficult situation.
The practice: Before going out, sit down and give yourself permission to feel. - Set a timer for 10-20 minutes
- Sit quietly and let any thoughts, feelings, or emotions come up
- Cry if you need to
- Use the wailing practice (see video below)
- Release whatever is there
It's better to release emotions at home than be blindsided in public.
Watch: How wailing can help empty your grief bucket ⬇️
| | | Second: A tool you can use anywhere A simple breathing practice can anchor you when feelings suddenly surge.
Tonglen breathing is one I often return to.
It gives your mind something steady to focus on and gently calms the nervous system. Instead of fighting the emotion, you make space for it.
And that small shift changes everything.
The practice: When you're triggered: - Breathe IN the pain, the grief, the discomfort
- Breathe OUT compassion, warmth, ease
- You're not running from the feeling - you're metabolising it
- Transforming it through your own heart
It sounds counterintuitive. Why would you breathe IN pain?
Because what we resist persists. When we open to our suffering with compassion, it begins to soften.
Watch: How to practice Tonglen breathing ⬇️
| | | The goal isn't to never be triggered It's to know: "This hurts… and I can stay with myself through it." They're simple practices you can try at home and return to whenever you need them.
| If tears come, it doesn't mean you're failing It simply means there is still so much love there. And that's something to treat gently and with compassion, not something to push down and hide. |
| Want ongoing support? I've created a 52-week habit change series focused on gentle self-care practices, stress management, and coping better with grief.
It includes practices like these, plus weekly gentle habit suggestions, a supportive community, and direct access to me.
I'm now considering turning this into a membership with live group calls, personalised guidance, and a private community where you can get ongoing support as you navigate grief and rebuild your overall wellbeing.
Would this interest you? | |
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Your input will be invaluable in creating something that truly serves this community. If you have any questions, feel free to reply to this email.
Much love, Sabine
P.S. If you're dreading next Sunday, please know: you're not alone. And there's no "right" way to get through it. Whether you lean into your grief, distract yourself completely, or something in between - it's all okay. Just be gentle with yourself. |
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Sabine Horner
77 Millfield Lane
York YO10 3AW
United Kingdom
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