A good night’s sleep is crucial for our health. But somehow, sleep doesn’t come easy when we are bereaved. Despite a severe lack of energy, many of us turn into night owls – staying up late and dragging ourselves out of bed the next morning. And if we do manage to go to bed early, many find it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep long enough to start the next day rested and refreshed.

Needless to say, disrupted sleep doesn’t help when trying to cope with the emotional ups and downs of grieving. Besides making us feel tired, irritable and grumpy all day, it can cause serious health issues when problems persist. For example, the brain can only clear out harmful toxins and waste products while we sleep.

To find a solution for sleep disturbances, it is important to know why we become insomniacs in the first place. Our body experiences grief as intense emotional stress and this - like any other stressor - triggers the release of cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone. Cortisol drives our body’s fight-or-flight response which can severely disrupt our sleep-wake cycle when cortisol levels remain high for an extended period, such as in grief.

When we are chronically stressed, our circadian cortisol rhythm is reversed and, instead of peaking in the morning, cortisol spikes at night. This explains why we often have trouble falling asleep. Also, high evening cortisol levels can make our blood sugar levels drop during the night, causing nightmares and other sleep disruptions. Drinking alcohol or having a high-carb or sugary snack before bed can also disrupt our sleep.

Because grieving is exhausting, we may also be drinking a lot more coffee to keep us going throughout the day. Unfortunately, it also keeps many of us awake at night. Coffee is a very powerful stimulant which can make us feel even more stressed and anxious than we already are.  When what we really need is be able to relax enough to get some restful sleep.

Lack of sleep by itself can also increase our risk of developing anxiety or depression. As can nutrient deficiencies such as lack of magnesium, vitamin D, certain B vitamins, omega-3, or tryptophan.

The body uses tryptophan to make serotonin, the ‘happy hormone’, which is turned into melatonin, the ‘sleep hormone’, later in the evening. Serotonin, together with cortisol, gets us going in the morning and helps to overcome the lethargy that would otherwise keep us in bed.

Serotonin levels increase in sunshine which is not surprising as serotonin is activated by vitamin D3, the ‘sunshine hormone’. Unfortunately, there are many factors which can interfere with our body’s ability to convert vitamin D from sunlight into its active form, causing widespread vitamin D deficiency without proper supplementation. Lack of vitamin D not only impacts the quality of our sleep; it can also result in fewer hours of restorative sleep.

Melatonin is boosted by darkness and protects us from infections while we sleep. This is why poor sleep suppresses our immune system. Unfortunately, most of us don’t produce enough melatonin at night because the blue light emitted by electronic devices and energy-efficient lightbulbs blocks the release of this natural sleep-inducing chemical.

Apart from all these physical factors affecting our sleep, there may also be psychological reasons why we may delay going to bed as long as possible. If we have lost our partner, we may be dreading the prospect of going to bed on our own. We may also suffer from disturbing thoughts about our loved one or be experiencing stressful secondary losses, such as the loss of income, which can keep us up at night.

All this makes it clear that there is no ‘one size fits all’ remedy for insomnia after a major loss. However, awareness is the first step towards change. Therefore, it is important to sit down and think about your current daily habits to identify those that may play a major role in disrupting your sleep.

The following recommendations may help you with this. Go through them to check where you could make improvements to your eating and lifestyle habits. Start with the ones you find easiest to do and build from there:

• Reduce stress as much as you can
• Have a light dinner before 7pm, avoiding red meat, wheat and dairy which can all cause indigestion 
• Get up at the same time every morning, ideally before 7am
• Establish a relaxing night-time ritual
• Take a high-dose magnesium supplement (but check with your doctor first if you are on any medication)

Magnesium is easily depleted in times of high emotional stress. A magnesium supplement can therefore be an important first step to getting that elusive night's sleep again after a major loss. Check out my newsletter on magnesium for more information about the link between emotional stress and lack of magnesium and the differences between various supplements.

You may also be interested in my workshop on 'Relaxed Breathing For A Good Night's Sleep', during which I show you how you can use your breath to take your body and mind into a state of deep relaxation.

I know from personal experience that it takes a lot of trial and error to find ways to improve your sleep. The important thing is to not give up and to keep trying. Changing habits takes time, effort and perseverance. You may have evenings when you fall back into your old habits. Don’t feel bad about it. Do the best you can every day and seek support if you find that you cannot do it on your own.

Your sleep is important to your healing – in body, mind and spirit!